Mulle endale tundub, et mu elu on kuidagi segamini hetkel, aga kui ma vaatan end kõrvalt, võin küll öelda, et mu elu läheb aina selgemaks ja minu tahtmised konkreetsemaks. Ma avastan seda “kohe ja praegu” elamise võlu. Ei ole vaja teha kursusi selleks, et kvaliteetseid hetki oma ellu tekitada, on vaja alustada kohe. See oli L, kes parasjagu ka meil elab, kes ütles, et pole ju vaja korraldada mingit suurt asja, hoopis huvitavam ja ausam on alustada väiksemalt, kohe nende inimestega, kes ümber on, kohe selles ruumis, kus viibid. Kuna ma selle mõtte päriselt endasse võtsin, ongi minu elus juba primaarmäng ja maalilaager olemas, ma ei jäänud tulevikku ootama, ei pannud kogu jõudu selleks, et kursusi korraldada.

Kuna L on siin, siis vahel, kuidas parasjagu tuju on, veame madratsid kokku ja mängime. Primaarmäng on miski, mis aitab mul ennast näha. Täna mängisin ühel hetkel, et proovin ühte madratsikatet koguaeg sirgeks tõmmata, aga teised tulid ja ajasid kõik kortsu koguaeg, lükkasin neid ära aga nad tulid uuesti. See pilt oli mulle kuidagi nii eluline järsku, see kuidas ma poovin kõike selge ja sirge hoida, aga siis tulevad teised ja segavad, ma lükkan nad ära, aga ikka nad tulevad, või tulevad mõned teised. Selline lõputu elu sirgekstõmbamine käib justkui. Tahaks, et kõik oleks hästi ja ilus. Aga see oleks ju surm. Pool asjadest, mis me teeme on valed ja ebatäiuslikud ja see on just see, mis elu liikuma paneb. See pool, mis on täiuslik, on juba kõrvale pandud, et saaks edasi minna, see pole mõeldud hoidmiseks.

Teine asi, mille ma kohe ellu lülitasin, on maalimine. Olin nädalavahetusel K juures, ta tegi õhtusöögi mulle ja oma kahele lapsele ja siis alustasime maalimisega. Tütar tegi ka kaasa alguses, mängisime seda mängu, et igaüks joonistab pea, siis voldib paberi kokku ja annab edasi, ja teine teeb keha, voldib jälle kokku ja annab edasi, nii kogu pilt, lõpuks teed pildi lahti ja siis on naljakas, mis välja tuleb. Maalisime ööni, enne kahte sain ikka magama. Hommikul oli koos söömine, värsked croissantid, kohv ja apelsinimahl. Päike paistis katuseaknast sisse ja vahepeal kukkus lahmakatena lund. Pärast sööki maalisime edasi. See aeg tundus kõik nii pikk, see õhtune alustamine päevalõpu tundega, pimedusega akna taga, ja nüüd entusiastlik jätkamine heledas valguses. Linnud hüppasid akna taga, vahepeal läksin terrasile päikest võtma, vahepeal rääkisime sellest, mis mõttesse tuli.

Siiski on natuke raske mul aduda, et see mis praegu on, see ongi. See on valge paber, millega ma saan kõike, mis pähe tuleb, teha. Ei ole lihtne.

It seems to me, that my life is just a mess right now, but if I look at it from a different angle, I could even say that my life is quite clear and I know more and more what I want. I discover the magic of “here and now”. There is no need to organize courses and think that with it also moments of quality will come into ones life, no, you should start right now. It was L, who lives here with us at the moment, who told that there is no need to make something big, a lot more interesting and also more honest is to start with small things, and with those people who are near you, right there in the same room. Since I let this thought inside of me, I already have original play and painting course in my life, I did not stand and wait for the future to come, did not put all of my energy into organizing those courses.

Since L is here, then sometimes when we feel like it, we drag mattresses together and play. Original play is something that helps me to see myself. Today at one point I played like this: constantly trying to smoothen the mattresscover, but the others would come and make it a mess again, I pushed them away but they kept on coming back. That picture seemed as an example from my life, the way I try to keep everything clear and smooth, but then the others come and interfere, I push them away but they just keep on coming back, and if not these other, then some other others. It is just like an endless life-smoothing. Would not mind a perfect life, where everything is correct and pretty. But this would be a dead life. Half of the things we do are wrong and imperfect and this is exactly what makes life move. This half, which is perfect is put aside, so we could move on, this is not meant for keeping.

The second thing I switched on is painting. I spent last weekend with K, she  made dinner for her two children and then we started painting. The daughter was also participating at first, we played the game where everyone draws a head, then would vold the paper and give it to the next person who would draw the body, volds it again and gives it to the next and so would be the whole picture done, at the end you open the picture and see how funny could one picture be. We were painting till night came, but I went to sleep before two o´clock. In the morning we ate together, fresh croissants, coffee and orange juice. The sun shone from the window above and from time to time piles of snow fell from the roof. After breakfast we went one with painting. It seemed like a long time, the beginning in the evening with the feeling of days end, with darkness outside, and then enthusiastic continuation with a bright light. The birds were hopping outside, sometimes I would go to the porch and sunbathe for a while, sometimes we talked about what came into the mind at the time.
Still I have some difficulties understanding that what is right now, is. It´s a white paper, I can do everything with it, whatever comes into my mind. It isn´t easy.

March 19, 2013 Berlin, Original Play, Painting